Absentminded Genius
by uumiho
Summary: Dates are troublesome. Dates with crazy-ass blonde chicks are even more troublesome. How will poor Shikamaru cope? /ShikaTema, rated for language and sexual content./


Well. He could honestly say that this was… the most _awkward_ situation he had ever been in in his life. The most awkward _and_ frustrating.

He was going to kill her.

When Nara Shikamaru agreed to take his troublesome bitc—er, _girlfriend_, to the movies, he had in no way expected… this.

Because, of course, when Sabaku no Temari, only daughter of one of the biggest and richest corporation owners in the entire country, stormed into his room (how had she gotten into the house, anyways…?) and _demanded_ that he get off his lazy ass and take her to the movies, he had thought she was just trying to make him do more of that couples shit (he didn't know _why, _she hated it as much as he did) and, thus, was foreseeing a normal date for them.

"Normal" dates for them consisted of about an hour of arguing—Temari was usually trying to convince him to actually agree to the date, and _fucking put on some clean fucking clothes, lazy-ass, you look like a fucking bum_, while Shikamaru was defending the fort and proclaiming how troublesome the whole situation was and wondering _why the hell did I even go out with a witch like you in the first place?_ After the arguing, they had to include another half hour for making out—as one of them usually jumped the other in the middle of the fight. More spatting followed the making out, though not nearly as fervid, as Temari had, for the most part, "convinced" Shikamaru that it was a _Very Good Idea_ to keep his temperamental bitch of a girlfriend happy, and all that was left was the final crushing of his free will.

Following the eradication of Shikamaru's spirit, Temari would yell at him to get ready, and they would leave, the entire process only taking roughly two hours to complete. They would go to a movie (after which Temari would bitch about the noisy audience and the shitty quality) and/or dinner (after which Temari would bitch about the bad service and the tasteless food) and then they would take a walk in the park, (during which Temari would grouse about the people and the environment) which had, conveniently enough, a path to Shikamaru's house. To finish up the night they'd sit on the balcony watching the clouds, arguing (again) about the date, which would eventually turn into making-out, which would then turn into sex.

When they were done Temari would swear violently, realizing she had to be home or her dad would throw a fit, and would rampage around his room trying to find her clothes. When she was dressed and proper-looking, she'd close the day with some bitchy comment about his bad motivational skills or how shitty he was in bed (which was a _lie_), blow him a kiss, and then leave as quickly as she could out the back door.

Not exactly healthy, not exactly orthodox, but it was _them_, and it was what they were used to.

Which was the reason for his being so out of sorts, he supposed. Instead of being a royal bitch, like she usually was, Temari had actually been acting… _sweet_. And amiable. She had picked a normal movie this time, instead of some graphically violent horror film, and hadn't made him spend a bajillion dollars on stale, overpriced snacks that she wasn't even going to eat.

He should have known then and taken it as a warning to _run_.

Unfortunately, his 200 IQ had failed him, as had his innate survival instinct, and he had obliviously followed the explosive blonde to the back of the theater (without, shamefully enough, noticing anything amiss, even though Temari _always_ sat directly in the _middle_) and plopped himself down, beginning the mental preparation for sitting through two and a half hours of bullshit and strategically planning how to sleep without Temari noticing. Everything was going perfectly fine, until about half-way through the film.

Shikamaru had been, unsurprisingly, drifting in and out of consciousness since halfway through the previews. Temari had elbowed him a few times, but other than that he was in the clear. He was just about to slip out again, when out of fucking _nowhere_, the blonde reached up, grabbed his shirt by the collar, and pulled him down, catching his mouth with her own in a rough, demanding kiss.

Alright. Making-out in the movie theatre. That wasn't so bad. He could handle that. So the girl was horny. Not like he was complaining—kissing Temari was better than watching some crappy chick flick _any_ day.

It went on for about three minutes or so, and Shikamaru was just thinking that the date might turn out good after all, when all of the sudden, Temari's lips were no longer on his. Opening his eyes dazedly, he noted that not only was her mouth gone, her entire head was nowhere to be found.

And then he felt it.

Two hands tugging at his belt, unbuttoning his pants, slipping between the fabric and—_oh God._

Shikamaru fought the nearly overwhelming urge to jump up and flee the theater as fast as his feet could take him.

So _this_ was her devious master plan, the little— He tried not to jump too much when her hand caressed him, deft fingers circling around the source of his torture (why, why, _why_ did he have to be a man?) and stroking gently.

He gripped the arm rests like a lifeline, and tried with all his might to ignore the sadistic grin spread across her face, instead staring dead-on at the screen, pretending to be interested in the movie while forcing himself to control his breathing. Of course, Temari didn't like him ignoring her, so she gave him a sudden squeeze, smirking devilishly when his eyes got wide and his entire body tensed considerably. Unsatisfied, the blonde took it a step further, inclining her head just so and flicking the very tip of her tongue against him.

The contact was sudden and painfully, _painfully_ brief, and Shikamaru had accidentally bitten down on the inside of his cheek, _hard_, in shock. A trickle of metallic-tasting liquid filtered into his mouth, but that was the least of his worries. He sat stiff as a board, back rigid, hands clenching the arm rests until he could barely feel his fingers, eyes screwed shut. Despite the current predicament, he found himself scouring his mind for what he _possibly_ could have done to deserve such punishment.

Result? Nothing.

That was all right, though. He was more than sure Temari had her reasons, and whether they were logical or not, they were enough merit in her head to justify torturing him—and in _public_, no less. What if—what if a _guard_ came by or something? What would she do _then?_

_Probably use her divine influence and rich connections to get us off the hook,_ he thought bitterly to himself, just as she leaned in for another lick.

This one was longer, more forceful, and it was all he could do not to make any noise. She was getting more into it, and had progressed from licking to mouthing sparingly at the tip, at which point Shikamaru's hand shot out, grabbed her hair, and jerked her head back, away from him (despite how much he would rather be jerking her head in the _other_ direction.)

He bent forward, so as to hopefully muffle his voice behind the chair (thank _God _there was no one in front of them) and get closer to the sadistic bitch kneeling in front of him. "What the _fuck_ are you doing, Temari?" He hissed, trying to keep his voice as quiet as possible.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" she smarted, rising up just enough to catch his bottom lip in her mouth, sucking on it lightly before lowering herself back down, releasing his lip with a soft _smack_. The blonde grinned at him, her smugness showing no bounds as she raised her head to stare up at him defiantly, ignoring completely the hand that was still fisted in her hair.

Pausing a moment to regain his breath, for it had seemed that for a split second he'd forgotten how to breathe, Shikamaru snapped back, "Troublesome bitch. You shouldn't be doing this here."

Teal eyes glinted gleefully in the faint light reflecting from the movie window behind them. "Oh, and why not?" A pink tongue flicked out, wetting swollen, reddened lips. Lips that were stretched into a self-satisfied smirk that he was tempted very much to wipe clean off her face. Unfortunately, they were in public, in the middle of the movie theater, and there were no beds available to tie her to. Tough break.

"Because we're in fucking _public_. What if someone sees us?"

Temari fixed him with a smouldering gaze that sent a shiver through his entire body. "If you'd just shut up then they wouldn't notice us, dumbass."

"Or maybe you should just stop," he snapped irritably.

"Hmm…" She cocked her head to the side, tapping the side of her chin thoughtfully as she murmured to herself. "I suppose I could just torture you when we got home." For some reason, the fact that she said _home_ instead of _your house_ made his heart do this odd flip-flop thing in his chest. He even was starting to think how cute she looked, sitting there in mock contemplation. Until, of course…

"Nah."

In a motion that was faster than he could react to, she had seized both his wrists, jerking the one holding her head out from her hair and slamming it roughly against the armrest, holding it in place, along with the other one paralleling it. A short gasp of pain escaped him; Temari had a strong grip, and she hadn't been gentle with banging his wrist into the edge of the black plastic rest.

Before he even had time to recover from the surprise of her sudden action, she had moved again, this time her head, and had leaned forward to assault him anew. He was greeted with the presence of a long, full lick along the underside of his shaft, the suddenness of which causing a shocked sound to escape his throat—a sound that was something between a squeak and a gasp. He could _feel_ her smirking.

She wasted no time, dragging her tongue upwards and then bringing her mouth down over the head, sucking with an abrupt pressure that was nearly too much for him to handle. He grunted in restraint, struggling against her grip, only to remember that Temari was much, much stronger than him, and unless he got her in the right position at the right time, it was nearly impossible for him to overpower her.

In short? Shikamaru was screwed. (_Almost_ literally.)

Temari didn't miss a beat. In no time she had established a steady rhythm, head bobbing up and down at an even pace, slowing down or speeding up every once in a while for variation.

Shikamaru couldn't decide if he was in heaven or hell. The inside of his cheek bled painfully, the victim of his desperate attempts to keep from making any noise. As it was, he was powerless to do much more than sit there and hope he could remain quiet. He made a futile attempt to focus on the dull droning of the movie in the background, hoping to distract himself somewhat, but found that the blood rushing in his ears and the fog rolling about in his head made that nigh impossible.

It went on for some time, and Shikamaru couldn't determine if the fact that he was resisting made the entire process longer or shorter, but at that moment, all he could _really_ focus on was the fact that Temari was fucking amazing at this and _why did she hate him so much?_ He knew he was in trouble when he felt himself getting close to the end of his tolerance.

In a way he was relieved, once he finished the stupid affair would finally be over and he could sulk through the remainder of the movie in peace. On the other hand, of course, he wasn't exactly sure if he would be able to stay quiet through it, and he wasn't too keen on letting the entire audience know that Sabaku no Temari was giving him a blowjob in the back of the theater. To make matters worse, she had his wrists pinned good and tight, so there was no way for him to even cover his mouth to muffle the sound.

Temari made short work of solving his little dilemma.

Without saying a word, she released his wrists, pulled her head back, and lifted her mouth completely off of him. She spared him not one glance as she quietly got to her feet (stumbling slightly after being on her knees so long) and…

_Fuckin' __**walked out**__ of the theater_.

Shikamaru didn't know whether to scream or thank the heavens. What he _did _know, was that he was sitting in the middle of a movie theater with a raging erection and his girlfriend had just upped and walked out on him. He also knew that he was going to be very, very miserable for the next half hour or so, unless he wanted to chance sneaking out and into the bathroom to jerk off without anyone noticing a very _painfully_ obvious bulge in his pants.

Deciding it wasn't worth it, he irritably tucked himself in and zipped his pants up, groaning softly at the ferocious ache coming from his groin. Damn it. Whatever he did must have been really bad, because Temari was obviously _not happy. _At all. Too bad he had no idea why.

He didn't see his girlfriend at all for the rest of the day; she had obviously left the cinema, leaving him to walk home alone after suffering righteously through both the rest of the movie and awaiting the death of his arousal.

That night he lay awake in bed, searching every possible thing he could have said or done to make her so angry with him. Unable to come to any conclusions, Shikamaru decided it was no use losing sleep over it, and proceeded to then zonk out for the next thirteen hours.

Much to the Nara's dismay, he found out two days later from none other than Temari's _brother_ that it had been her birthday, and Shikamaru had completely forgotten the event.

Suddenly everything made a lot more sense.

Resigning himself over to the fact that he was about to become someone's bitch for the next two or three weeks, (well, more of a bitch than he already was) the lazy-ass dragged himself reluctantly to his best friend's flower shop, strategizing in his head exactly how he was going to get himself out of this without being killed in the process.

He wasn't a genius for nothing, after all.

* * *

**A/N: **Haha. Haha. Written for PaperButterfly7, my dearest Andy. I can _not_ believe I just wrote that.

Oh, and if you read the last two things I submitted, you'll note that they both have "UNEDITED" writted at the bottom of them. Well, this one does too. For two reasons, mainly: One, because it is eleven minutes to five (in the morning, yes) No, I have not slept, _again_, and I'm far too lazy to edit this big lug of a thing. A six-hundred-word drabble, maybe. A twenty-five hundred word one-shot? Fuck. No. Reason number two, I'm supposed to be asleep, and have been darting nervously from the computer to my bed, because Dee is walking upstairs and if she catches me up she will slit me from nose to navel. Unfortunately, I was determined to get this bitch up tonight, and I'm willing to risk life and limb to do that. Wow, I fail.

Anyways. Hope you liked. I'd love any feedback, and seeing as this all is very much unedited, if you see any typos, I would adore you if you'd point them out. Hope you enjoy the naughtiness. x3 --Judo


End file.
